Anger
*Maybe a bit of a warning is necessary for this one, raw emotions will be coming through*
Last night I was talking to my sister and she was telling me about Andy's and my dad's trip up north fishing. She told me that my dad really started opening up to Andy and that a lot of past and present crap was coming out of him like a fountain. My dad told Andy that he knows the reason that my sister and I are so messed up, and it is because of him. *OF COURSE IT IS BECAUSE OF HIM!!!!!!!!!* I got so mad when she said that, but that didn't hurt as bad as hearing he is going to counseling to try and fill the emptiness he feels inside. *What about the emptiness that he left and still leaves in our lives!* I could have screamed many wonderful expletive words at that moment, and I still could, but I'm refraining. I don't know why that makes me so mad, but it really pisses me off. I know it is right for him to go and try to find feeling but all I keep thinking in the back of my head is that he isn't going to be honest to the counselor, just like he hasn't been honest to himself or to us the majority of his life.
I think if I would have heard this 2 weeks ago I would have been excited to hear that he was trying to get his junk right, but now I'm angry beyond any "nice" words, so I"ll put on a smile and pretend that I'm not angry at him even though I would like to tell him yeah you screwed me up, man I'm glad you can see it.
The pain he has brought I fear will take years to heal. We were doing better in our relationship and then it all hit. All I've ever wanted was a man in my life (my father preferable) to lead and guide without being afraid of them.
Well I should stop now before I let the tears that are present fall out of my eyes. So put on a happy face and hope for the best(what a crappy defense mechanism this is).
I guess I should take my own words to heart and say "It's all a process."
Last night I was talking to my sister and she was telling me about Andy's and my dad's trip up north fishing. She told me that my dad really started opening up to Andy and that a lot of past and present crap was coming out of him like a fountain. My dad told Andy that he knows the reason that my sister and I are so messed up, and it is because of him. *OF COURSE IT IS BECAUSE OF HIM!!!!!!!!!* I got so mad when she said that, but that didn't hurt as bad as hearing he is going to counseling to try and fill the emptiness he feels inside. *What about the emptiness that he left and still leaves in our lives!* I could have screamed many wonderful expletive words at that moment, and I still could, but I'm refraining. I don't know why that makes me so mad, but it really pisses me off. I know it is right for him to go and try to find feeling but all I keep thinking in the back of my head is that he isn't going to be honest to the counselor, just like he hasn't been honest to himself or to us the majority of his life.
I think if I would have heard this 2 weeks ago I would have been excited to hear that he was trying to get his junk right, but now I'm angry beyond any "nice" words, so I"ll put on a smile and pretend that I'm not angry at him even though I would like to tell him yeah you screwed me up, man I'm glad you can see it.
The pain he has brought I fear will take years to heal. We were doing better in our relationship and then it all hit. All I've ever wanted was a man in my life (my father preferable) to lead and guide without being afraid of them.
Well I should stop now before I let the tears that are present fall out of my eyes. So put on a happy face and hope for the best(what a crappy defense mechanism this is).
I guess I should take my own words to heart and say "It's all a process."
posted by Hannah at
8:37 AM
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