Sunburned...
Sunday was truly a day of rest! I spent over 2 hours by the pool just laying around and getting a "tan". Needless to say...I look like a little lobster today. But it will eventually turn into a tan. The weather down here is amazing and we aren't suppose to have rain in the forecast at all!
I"m enjoying myself but still thinking about home and worrying about upcoming events at work. I am totally sick I know....it is just hard to let go of something that you've worked on and want it to go well. So I"m sure after after tomorrow I"ll be able to relax a bit more knowing that the event is done.
So last night I was laying in my bed thinking about God and my relationship with him and I feel so far away right now and honestly for the last year in half. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I know things aren't right but I'm not even sure how to fix them. I can't pin point the underlying root issue. Maybe it is control and how I like to control my life or maybe it is that I'm not trusting enough or maybe it is I have several large misconception of God. I guess at points I'm just waiting for God to come and make it better but then I think that that is the lazy way out of things and I need to do something to help things along, but I don't know what to do. Alright maybe this is to honest and I"m opening myself up for some major backlashes but I don't feel like God and I have been intimate in a long while because I've walked away. I guess at points I don't know why I'm a christian. I think in some regards I've lost some of my faith in God. I"m not saying he has lost faith in me but this I do know for certain and that is I am not going to give up on my life with God because frankly there is nothing else out there and I know I would be so much more miserable than I am now at times. Yes Yes I know no one would have guessed it or even see that I"m miserable, I mask things really well. I think so well it is to my fault. I think that is another reason why I"m at this point in my life I"m hiding from people and making it appear like my life is ok, well I guess here is my little note to all of you saying I"m not ok. I'm actually pretty sad and to be really honest I think I have been depressed for the last year or so. No I"m not going to do anything irrational, I don't want to hurt myself I just want things to get better and for me to see and "understand" God again. I"m tired of putting up the christianesse things I want to talk and walk the walk that God has for me. So I again I ask What is my Jerusalem?
Wow that was a lot deeper than I intended to today-I guess I just needed someone to know and hear the way I"m feeling. Sometimes it truly is easier to write things down and to get your voice out that way.
I think this is hitting me the hardest right now because I see my dad and my step mom "doing" the christianesse thing and yet their lives are miserable. I think that the version of God that they've constructed hasn't worked for my dad or step mom and I"m scared that that might happen to me! Please Lord save me from a void and meaningless life! Help me to see your light and salvation. Create in me a new heart and take not your prescences from me. Please help me to see beyond my circumstances to what you really have in mind for me. Help me not to settle for a meaningless life.
On a lighter note-Sue (my step mom) and I went shopping for 6 hours today in the mall here. It was a lot of fun and the longest I've ever shopped. I got 4 new outfits and new shoes to match as well as 4 new outfits for Bubby (aka Sam or my nephew) and a new handbag (at least that is the official name down here, plus it is a new tradition that everytime I come down here I have to get a new hand bag).
Tomorrow we are going to a resturant called The Melting Pot which is a fondue resturant and then no other large plans. Wednesday night we are going on a dinner cruise which has a broadway show! So it is a lot of time relaxing and I"m thankful for that...it is amazing how every day runs together though when you are on vacation.
Thanks for letting me vent...I hope all is going well. I miss you all but I'm also glad I"m here. More to come within the week. :)
I"m enjoying myself but still thinking about home and worrying about upcoming events at work. I am totally sick I know....it is just hard to let go of something that you've worked on and want it to go well. So I"m sure after after tomorrow I"ll be able to relax a bit more knowing that the event is done.
So last night I was laying in my bed thinking about God and my relationship with him and I feel so far away right now and honestly for the last year in half. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I know things aren't right but I'm not even sure how to fix them. I can't pin point the underlying root issue. Maybe it is control and how I like to control my life or maybe it is that I'm not trusting enough or maybe it is I have several large misconception of God. I guess at points I'm just waiting for God to come and make it better but then I think that that is the lazy way out of things and I need to do something to help things along, but I don't know what to do. Alright maybe this is to honest and I"m opening myself up for some major backlashes but I don't feel like God and I have been intimate in a long while because I've walked away. I guess at points I don't know why I'm a christian. I think in some regards I've lost some of my faith in God. I"m not saying he has lost faith in me but this I do know for certain and that is I am not going to give up on my life with God because frankly there is nothing else out there and I know I would be so much more miserable than I am now at times. Yes Yes I know no one would have guessed it or even see that I"m miserable, I mask things really well. I think so well it is to my fault. I think that is another reason why I"m at this point in my life I"m hiding from people and making it appear like my life is ok, well I guess here is my little note to all of you saying I"m not ok. I'm actually pretty sad and to be really honest I think I have been depressed for the last year or so. No I"m not going to do anything irrational, I don't want to hurt myself I just want things to get better and for me to see and "understand" God again. I"m tired of putting up the christianesse things I want to talk and walk the walk that God has for me. So I again I ask What is my Jerusalem?
Wow that was a lot deeper than I intended to today-I guess I just needed someone to know and hear the way I"m feeling. Sometimes it truly is easier to write things down and to get your voice out that way.
I think this is hitting me the hardest right now because I see my dad and my step mom "doing" the christianesse thing and yet their lives are miserable. I think that the version of God that they've constructed hasn't worked for my dad or step mom and I"m scared that that might happen to me! Please Lord save me from a void and meaningless life! Help me to see your light and salvation. Create in me a new heart and take not your prescences from me. Please help me to see beyond my circumstances to what you really have in mind for me. Help me not to settle for a meaningless life.
On a lighter note-Sue (my step mom) and I went shopping for 6 hours today in the mall here. It was a lot of fun and the longest I've ever shopped. I got 4 new outfits and new shoes to match as well as 4 new outfits for Bubby (aka Sam or my nephew) and a new handbag (at least that is the official name down here, plus it is a new tradition that everytime I come down here I have to get a new hand bag).
Tomorrow we are going to a resturant called The Melting Pot which is a fondue resturant and then no other large plans. Wednesday night we are going on a dinner cruise which has a broadway show! So it is a lot of time relaxing and I"m thankful for that...it is amazing how every day runs together though when you are on vacation.
Thanks for letting me vent...I hope all is going well. I miss you all but I'm also glad I"m here. More to come within the week. :)
posted by Hannah at
6:15 PM
2 Comments:
Now may the God of peace Himself make you completely holy and may your spirit and soul and body be kept entirely blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful/trustworthy, and He will in fact do this. 2 Thess 5
I know for me in the past year, one thing that's gotten me through low spots is knowing that GOD is the faithful One, and He's always at work, even when we don't have the strength or even desire.
Calling to the Father to meet us where we are isn't lazy - sometimes we simply can't pick up our feet and walk to Him, because we're so overwhelmed. Will He just watch us struggle? Yes - and no. He wants us to grow, but He knows when we're so weighed down that we can't move, and He will meet us and help us.
Prove it, I hear you say? Check out the Psalms. See David go from the heights of worship to the depths of despair. And yet, he is called a man after God's own heart. So it is with you and I - we can come to the heights and worship, and sometimes we are in the depths and can only cry out for aid. Check out Psalm 121 - He is never weary, and He will not let you fall. :-)
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home